Finding Nemo
Assisting families to Navigate Environments and Move On through the Family Law System in Australia.
By Raffaella Oliva, spoken from the lens of a dedicated family lawyer and devoted Aunt.
Becoming a parent is equal parts wonder, fear and chaos bundled up in unending love. From the moment you meet your child, every instinct tells you to protect them, guide them and keep them safe. But sometimes life and love don’t always go to plan. Relationships break down, couples drift apart, and some people you thought you knew change.
Like Marlin, your world, home and family as you knew it are lost. Suddenly, you find yourself swept up in the overwhelming current of parenting arrangements and court. There are lawyers, hearing dates, financial pressures, and life-changing decisions to navigate, all the while you are trying to keep everything (and everyone) together.
In moments like this, having the right guidance and support can make all the difference. Contrary to the stereotype, not all lawyers are sharks, especially when it comes to family law. Rather, they are one of the many people and professionals to help you traverse the unfamiliar waters of the legal system, ideally with clarity and compassion.
You Gotta Take a Risk, Kid
Separation can leave people feeling devastated and overwhelmed. For parents and caregivers in particular, it can feel as though your children are all you have left, leading to a deep and instinctive drive to protect them at all costs. That love is often shaped by grief for what has been lost, the trauma of past harm, and the fear of losing what remains of the family unit. So, when separation threatens that dynamic, panic can creep in, and emotions can easily eclipse rational thinking.
For victims of family violence, the decision to leave an unsafe relationship can be the hardest of all. Often, staying in an abusive environment can feel less daunting than facing the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
Over time, harmful situations can become familiar and create a learned sense of survival. You know what to expect, how to cope. Even when you recognise the environment is unsafe, it can feel easier to manage, rather than stepping into the unknown, particularly when dealing with an unpredictable or irrational individual.
But much like Marlin learning to leave the safety of the reef and face the open ocean, separation requires parents to take a risk so that they can begin the journey to
creating a safer and better future for themselves and their children. To get through it, you must confront your fear and let go of control.
What many people don’t realise is how seeking legal advice early on, even before separation, can change the trajectory of your matter entirely. Not only can your lawyer give you clarity as to what lies ahead, but they can also help you plan a safe and strategic exit while connecting you to services that assist you in doing so.
Think of it like Marlin and Dory venturing into the dark depths of the ocean. When everything feels uncertain, they search for a light to guide them forward. In the same way, early legal advice can be that guiding light, offering direction when the path ahead feels overwhelming and helping you find your way towards a safer future.
Just Keep Swimming
Okay, so you've reached the light… plot twist: it's an anglerfish. Hideous? Yes. Terrifying? Absolutely. But don't panic, listen to your lawyer and just keep swimming! There is no single “breakthrough” moment when it comes to separation. There are a series of decisions, milestones and unexpected surprises along the way. You will face personal and legal challenges on your journey to 32 Wallaby Way.
At home, you are navigating major transitions such as moving house, adjusting schooling arrangements, or managing children’s resistance to time spent between households. Parents may also feel a persistent sense of scrutiny about how their parenting and personal circumstances are being perceived within the legal process, which can heighten anxiety and self-doubt. Trying to adapt and balance it all can be emotionally and physically exhausting, requiring sustained resilience over time.
Court is a new environment altogether. As a starting point, the Case Management Pathway is designed to guide you through the steps the Federal Circuit and Family Court follow when helping families resolve parenting disputes. It provides a framework for how matters progress from preliminary discussions through to a possible trial.
You may also find yourself dealing with the Magistrates’ Court at the same time, for example, where intervention order proceedings may also be underway. Managing multiple court processes at once can add another layer of complexity to an already difficult chapter.
Along the way, you should expect to receive correspondence, file and review court documents, gather and present evidence, and participate in interviews with professionals such as a Child Court Expert. You may also attend a range of hearings, from short procedural mentions to mediation, through to the Final Hearing. There are several opportunities to resolve your matter along the way, and it may be comforting to know that very few cases actually result in a trial.
This is the time to follow in Marlin’s footsteps and keep moving forward even when the path feels uncertain. Focus on what is in front of you right now, what you can control and what requires your attention to reach the next step. You will make mistakes along the way, but your lawyer is there to work through those with you and think about the broader strategy going forward.
We Gotta Work Together If We’re Ever Gonna Get Out of Here
Individual strength is important, but you do not have to do it alone. Lean into and accept support so you can conserve your energy and protect your sanity along the way. Community and collaboration are essential to getting through this time.
Find your Dory. This is probably your lawyer, along for the journey with you through the uncertain, anxious and difficult moments. They will help to keep you engaged and focused through the process, assist in reframing your thinking, problem-solve throughout your matter and persist in maintaining the right direction when emotions are high.
Find your Crush. This is your emotional support person. Somebody to offer you a different perspective or simply just to listen when you’re trying to make sense of it all. They are the person to teach you to trust the process and go with the flow.
Find your Gill. This is the person to give you tough love, a reality check and the encouragement to take decisive action, choosing purpose over panic. Whether you feel trapped by circumstances, are finding it challenging to move on emotionally, or feel like your life is in limbo, they will be there to get you out of the tank.
Beyond your own support network, lean on the wider community to help share the load for both you and your children. Schools can provide valuable support through wellbeing and counselling services, giving children a safe space to talk through what they’re experiencing. They can also help identify any concerns early and provide an extra layer of care and support when it’s needed.
Support services such as 1800RESPECT and Kids Helpline can provide independent and accessible support for children and parents. You may also find it helpful to access family therapy to support communication and family relationships, or individual counselling with a therapist, psychologist, or health professional to help you process emotions and navigate the challenges that come with separation and change.
Community services such as Safe Steps, the Salvation Army or the Orange Door can offer practical support in areas like access to food, clothing, and even seasonal assistance such as Christmas gifts, helping you to better provide for and support your family during challenging and isolating times.
A friendly reminder: getting support isn’t a sign that you can’t handle things. It’s a way of making sure you and your children have the care and tools you need as you move through this chapter.
Fish are friends, not food
Amongst it all, try to take the time to also work on yourself. The stronger and healthier you are, the better you can show up for your child. That might look like getting personal support, learning to manage conflict differently or engaging in some self-reflection to better understand your own emotions and reactions.
Co-parenting after separation, especially in a high-conflict situation, can have a way of pulling us back into familiar patterns. The urge to react with anger, defend ourselves, or respond to criticism with criticism can feel almost instinctive. But part of the journey is learning not to take the bait.
Even when this new parenting relationship feels unfamiliar or unnatural, remind yourself, fish are friends, not food. Not every comment needs a reaction, not every disagreement needs to become a battle, and not every old pattern needs to be repeated. You cannot control another person’s behaviour, but you can choose how you respond.
For parents who have experienced family violence, this part of the journey can be even more significant. Healing may involve recognising the patterns that were harmful, understanding how those experiences have shaped you, setting healthy boundaries, and rebuilding a sense of safety, confidence, and control over your own life. It is also about being conscious of not carrying those patterns forward or unintentionally passing them on to your child.
This is a new chapter; you don’t have to repeat the old one. And one of the most powerful things your child can witness is you growing through it. They get to see what resilience looks like: a parent who is learning, adapting, healing, and choosing a different path.
Jumping out of the tank
Your children, like Nemo, are on their own journey through separation. Whether it be navigating complex emotional trauma, the possibility of living between two homes or even managing hostility amongst the family dynamics. It is natural to want to promise your children that nothing will ever happen to them, but if Nemo teaches us anything at all, it is that “that is a funny thing to promise”.
A big part of a child’s journey through separation is developing the confidence and resilience to leave the safety of the tank and discover that they can manage the ocean for themselves. Such growth, however, often comes with periods of uncertainty and discomfort. Just as the tank had to get dirty before Nemo could escape, transitions within families can sometimes feel messy before you can break out.
As parents, it can be easy to adopt Marlin’s mindset that control equates to safety. While that is sometimes appropriate, it can also unintentionally increase a child’s vulnerability, particularly if they are not given the opportunity to develop
independence and healthy ways to hone their coping skills. In some cases, new challenges can emerge in the form of anxiety, school refusal, loyalty conflicts between parents, role reversal and parent-pleasing behaviours.
There are several ways you can provide support to your children. On a day-to-day basis, this can look like reassuring your children that the separation is not their fault and showing them, where possible, that their parents can still communicate and work together respectfully. On a more structured level, it may involve accessing support such as counselling or family therapy, where children can have a safe space to express their feelings, understand the changes happening around them, learn ways to manage complex emotions, build coping skills, and recognise when they need help or support.
Ultimately, the greatest protection is not the promise of a risk-free world, but the confidence that comes from helping children learn to navigate it.
Ride the Wave, Dude
If one thing is certain, it's that no two parenting journeys are the same, and nothing stays the same forever. The current is always moving, changing direction, shifting in strength, and unpredictable.
As circumstances change, your parenting arrangements may need to change too. What once worked well for your family may no longer be the right fit for you or, more importantly, for your child. As children grow older, their needs, routines, friendships, schooling, extracurricular activities, and their own views and preferences naturally evolve. Parenting arrangements will often need to evolve alongside them.
Sometimes the reason for change is more significant. A new relationship, a blended family, a relocation, changes in a parent's capacity to care, or concerns about a child's safety or wellbeing can all mean that existing arrangements are no longer appropriate.
Each situation calls for you to assess, adapt, and respond in ways that best support your child. Some things you can prepare for, many you can't. Sometimes, the wisest approach isn't to resist every change, but to stay flexible, adjust your course and learn how to ride the wave.
The courts generally seek to minimise repeated litigation in parenting matters because ongoing legal disputes can be disruptive and emotionally and financially taxing for children and families. Wherever possible, parents are encouraged to reach an agreement and formalise changes by consent. However, that is not always the case; sometimes returning to court is unavoidable.
Importantly, a parent cannot simply re-litigate parenting arrangements because they are unhappy with an earlier decision or want a different outcome. Under section 65DAAA of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), the court must consider whether there has
been a significant change in circumstances since the final parenting orders were made, and whether the circumstances justify reopening the proceedings or reconsidering the existing arrangements in the child’s best interests. This threshold exists to promote stability for children and to prevent families from being drawn into ongoing, repetitive litigation unless there is a genuine reason for the court to intervene.
You’re totally gonna make it
It’s okay to feel lost, scared, or anxious, especially when you’re facing uncertainty about what your future looks like, how often you’ll see your children, and how your relationship with them may change.
Sometimes the stories we know, like Marlin and Nemo’s, remind us that separation does not always mean the end of connection. They were separated by circumstances outside of their control, and while the distance between them probably felt impossible to overcome. But their connection remained. Through fear, uncertainty, and a journey neither of them expected, they kept moving forward and eventually found their way back to each other.
The same can be true for families. With time, patience, support, and a focus on what matters most, relationships can heal, trust can be rebuilt, and stability can be restored. The path may not look the way you imagined, and that’s okay. Sometimes life takes us on a journey we never planned. Sometimes the journey is about finding your way back to each other and towards a new and better reality.
Keep going, you’re totally going to make it.